


His Medal

by janjan_the_ninth



Category: Star Trek, Star Trek: Discovery
Genre: Angst, Crying, Episode: s01e15 Will you take my hand, Gen, I Made Myself Cry, M/M, Mentions of Character Death, and breaks down, and yeah it's about hugh, let paul stamets cry, paul is alone and realises it, sadly no comfort
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-12
Updated: 2018-02-12
Packaged: 2019-03-17 08:00:13
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,350
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13654815
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/janjan_the_ninth/pseuds/janjan_the_ninth
Summary: Do they really think that a medal and a promotion will make him feel any better?





	His Medal

**Author's Note:**

> Here I am with another angsty fanfiction about Paul breaking down. Poor Paul doesn't deserve any of this, but he also deserves to finally grieve.
> 
> Thanks to Momos_weird_thoughts for betaing.

There was so much hustle and bustle, so many people around them. All of them were here to congratulate them on bringing peace to the federation. To celebrate the end of the war. So many of them even wanted to talk to him in person. Congratulate him on his promotion. Telling him how brave he was, how much of an inspiration he is and how deeply sorry they are for his loss. With each and every single one of those acknowledgments, from people who neither knew him nor Hugh, the weight of the medal in his hands got heavier.

A medal, that shouldn’t be in his hands anyway. It should be worn by the man who actually deserved it. A man, who saved countless lives in the war. It should stick out on his white dress uniform, while they walk around together. With him exchanging all the pleasantries with all the people that tried to talk to them, while he just hold his hand, in hope they could leave soon. It should be the weight of Hughs hand that he should feel, not the weight of an useless piece of metal.

“It must be such an honour to receive this medal. And you must be proud that your partner would have received it, too, would he be here today. You are heros.”, was what one person told him. Some not well known Admiral. Heros, as if. How could he be a hero if he couldn't even save the man he loved. He tried to smile through it, telling him that he was always proud of Hugh, but his throat closed up. He could only nod. After the lates inquiry of what he’ll do next and if he still planned on staying with starfleet, even without his partner, he had enough. He excused himself and went straight to the exit. 

On his way out he saw Tilly, being crowded by even more Admirals and Lieutenant Commanders than he was. He was so proud, she had a bright future in front of her. For a moment their eyes locked. He didn’t know what he looked like, what she saw in his eyes. Her eyes flickered to the exit and back to him. Now he was actually afraid that she would try and make him stay. He stiffened. Of course she couldn’t make him stay but he doesn’t have the strength to discuss it now. Though Tilly was able to surprise him again. A small nod and an understanding smile was what he got, before she continued to talk to an Admiral. 

The walk to his temporary quarters was quiet. It seems like everybody was at the ceremony, celebrating and trying to be part of something, he didn’t want to be a part of. It was dark already when he reached the quarter. The door closed behind him without any noise, leaving him in the darkness of his quarter. The lights of the city illuminated the room a bit. He stood there for a while, letting the silence of the room wash over him. After a while his eyes got used to the darkness and he could move around in the small flat. 

He took a step but his knees buckled under him, making him sit down onto the bed next to the door. The one place in the flat that he tried to ignore, to not use at all. The double bed in the couples quarter. It felt like a bad joke, a punch in the guts, when he was assigned this as his temporary quarters. 

What use could a double bed possible be for him if he had noone to share it with. And now he sat on it. After two nights of sleeping on the uncomfortable couch. All the time on the Discovery, he had never felt as alone as in this moment. Sadly he looked down on the medal that was still in his hands. Hugh’s medal.  
“I think you would have loved the ceremony.”, started Paul, not knowing what exactly he was doing. But now that he started, he couldn't stop.

“The beginning of peace, a celebration. So many people you could brag to, how smart and brilliant your partner is. That he helped ending the war, while I would chime in to say the same about you.” A pause. He felt his throat close up again. He wanted to stop, forget everything and go back to work, like nothing happened. To ignore that Hugh shaped hole in his heart, his life. Though now that he started, the words continued to come to his brain. Things he wanted to say a long time ago, things that never needed much saying, things that he planned to say soon, oh so soon. He started to caress the medal with his thumb.

“You would hold my hand the whole time, caressing it, while I would squeeze it, watching you smile the whole time.” He squeezed the medal and closed his eyes. Trying to imagine that it was Hugh he was telling all this while holding his hand. Not some stupid medal.

“Your smile lighted up my world. It’s the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.”, Paul smiled, for a moment lost in memories of a better time.

“In the network, you told me that I always showed you how much I love you. And I do. I do love you so much.” A sob escaped him. “I wish I had told it to you more often. That I spent more time with you, showed you how much I care.” 

His voice cracked. He felt cold in the empty quarters, the medal feeling like it’s draining the warmth out of him. As the medal started to blur, he noticed that he was crying. He was alone and it was all his fault. Hugh followed him on the Discovery. Without that he would have stayed in an hospital on earth, save from the war… save from him. If he hadn’t been as egoistic, if hadn’t secretly wanted Hugh by his side, he would have been able to convince him to stay. But he didn’t. And know he wasn’t even able to bring him back from the mycelium network. He had failed. 

Tears were falling freely now. His sobbing interrupted the quietness of the room. He wanted it stop. He wanted to curl up on Hughs side of the far to big bed, to imagine that all this is just a terrible dream… to stop hurting. But there was one thing he hadn’t said yet, that needed to be said. He continued to talk, voice laced with tears and sorrow.

“I… I wanted to tell you something. I thought about it for a long time. Before the war started. Before everything went... wrong. But I couldn't.”, Paul sobbed. His hands were trembling so bad that he feared he would drop the medal. His body shaking with every sob. His breath hitched as he continued. “I think I was afraid… I don’t even know why. Maybe of losing you.” A humorless smirk accompanied his words. “I still lost you. There was another time I wanted to tell you, that I planned on asking you.”

“Me being retired from Starfleet, spending my newly won free time with you. Listening to this heidious opera that you call music. Just the two of us, no worries. That’s when I planned to propose to you. I wanted to spend the rest of my live with you… and now I have to spend the rest of my life without you.”

A pained whimper escaped him, as he slipped from the bed onto his knees. His fingers turned white as he pressed the medal against his chest, curling up around it. He laid there and cried. Cried because of everything he lost in the war. Cried because of the future ahead of him, a future without Hugh. He cried until he fell asleep on the floor, consoled by the fact that he didn’t fell asleep in the double bed he tried so hard to avoid. His last thought was about Hugh.

**Author's Note:**

> So, the new episode was something. I didn't like that Hugh wasn't back at the end... but Paul standing there, caressing Hugh' s medal with tears in his eyes made my cry so much and gave me the idea for this fanfiction. I know Paul often reacts kinda bitter and snarky, but I feel like he can't always react that way. Especially since it finally hit him how alone he truely is.
> 
> As always English isn't my first language, so if you find any mistakes or something I could improve, feel free to leave a comment or message me. You can also find me on tumblr: Janjan-the-ninth.tumblr.com


End file.
